Nick: Trying to find a place

On the day I admitted to Traci's co-workers that I was a swapee, I had accidentally walked into the men's room.

That's not when they figured it out or anything, it was just really embarrassing for me. I'd had Traci's body since two weekends earlier, and nobody had figured it out. Even though she was well-liked at work, nobody knew much about her. I even found out, after the fact, that more than one guy had a crush on her, and was unsure of her situation (she was, in fact, single.) not that I would have accepted.

Like I said, I'd kept up the ruse okay. I was just holding place until we could get Traci in my body up to Canada, not really living her life (or mine, for that matter.) I didn't have much time to be confronted by the fact that I was a man in a woman's body... I was just a plain-looking quiet receptionist who went home every night, kicked the heels off, put on the sweats, had a beer and watched hockey. On this day, I was having a conversation with a male co-worker when I needed to go to the washroom; as did he, so we walked and talked. I pushed through the door and nearly approached the urinal when I realized, "Wait, that doesn't feel right... oh yeah." I blushed bright red and flew out the door like a flash. It was set to become a private joke between him and me. I decided it wouldn't.

"Listen, I might as well get this out there," I said, muttering under my breath, not looking at him, "I was swapped a few weeks ago, I'm not really Traci. I'm Nick."

It was a huge weight off my shoulders, but it hung in the air around him and some of the other co-workers who now wouldn't talk to me unless they had to. After a week, during which I thought I was going to have to resign, he finally broke the tension. The curiosity was overwhelming.

"Is it better? The body?"

I looked at him, kind of in quiet shock that he just smashed through the awkwardness and got that sentence out. I was afraid of what was on his mind. Then of course, I had to answer his question, which took a lot of thought.

"It's not worse," I told him with a shrug.

He kind of laughs. "I know that if I got swapped, and looked like that, I'd really miss it."

I sigh. "I try not to think about it too much. If I spent all my energy worrying about not having a penis, I'd never get anything done. And I kind of need this job, for now." Ironically at the time, I was typing up my resumé.

I wanted to appear strong, like a man who grins and bears it.

Until this point, the only person I'd told outside my immediate point was Cherie, Traci's hairdresser. I kept to myself for the first couple of days after the swap, but Traci demanded I go see Cherie. I didn't see any reason to keep it quiet, so I admitted to her that it might be a very long time before she would see Traci again.

I've been out with Cherie for coffee a few times. She's been my guide to Toronto. It's a little like Chicago, I guess, not that I miss that city (it was never very good to me personally.) She insists on dragging me into clothing stores, but I tell her Traci gave me plenty of clothes, most of which seem too complicated for me to even try (hell I didn't even wear a real bra for almost two weeks.) Plus I'm not making much money at her job, so I don't think a new wardrobe is in order.

"Well you'd look great in this..." she tells me, holding up a black skirt. It's not like, by this point, I haven't worn a skirt (sorry dad) but I'm not comfortable buying that stuff.

Living alone in someone else's apartment, wearing her clothes, seeing her face in the mirror... it's like having your own little escape, like riding the rollercoaster after the park is closed. There are times when I get very excited jsut to play around, and I almost forget what I'm missing.

That all changed one Thursday afternoon when the doorknob turned and in he walked. Unshaven, carrying nearly a half dozen suitcases over his shoulder, grunting like an ape. Until I got a good look at it, I had no idea how much shorter I now was. The top of my head doesn't quite reach my old chin.

I was startled, and not totally dressed, in pajamas. "Nick, right?" He smiles, holding out his (freaking giant) hand. I felt like I was sinking through the floor.

He was walking with confidence, suddenly it felt like he had a much better handle on what was going on than I did. I gave him a limp handshake, stunned into silence. "Hi Traci."

"This is totally awkward, isn't it?" he asked me. "I should've called, but I got the first flight in I could, there wasn't much time. I'm sorry."

I was still speechless.

He started to say, "I didn't expect... I mean..." his words stumbled. "You're... really me."

"I tried not to think about it... I've never seen myself this way, obviously." Suddenly I was shy, folding my arms across my chest, looking down, backing against the couch. He groaned an awkward laugh.

So now I live with the woman who is in my body. Because it's Traci's apartment, I'm on the couch, although he's considering staying with a friend (since I have no place else to go.) The apartment isn't really a two-person setup, unless those two people are.... well, ick.

Living with a stranger in a city I don't know doing a job I don't like and am not particularly good at... missing the one piece of anatomy that defined the first thirty years of my life. Yeah... life's great.